BFAM Day 29: Tomorrow Night We’ll Be That Much Older

29May09

Today is my birthday. And recently, I’ve discovered that I am lacking a certain amount of perspective in my life.

A year ago, I was preparing to head off to Bosnia after wrapping up my failed stint in grad school. I was living in DC and I was fully aware of and engrossed in national and international politics. I was concerned with the state of the world. I wanted to do something good.

Now, my biggest concerns are how late I can sleep and still be on time to work and whether or not ONIX feeds from my Fact Sheets are going out.

Of course, last year at this time, I was also having regular mental breakdowns and worrying about how big the world was and how small I was and how little anything I actually wanted to do would help things.

But now I feel average, normal, stuck in the ever-turning wheel of life and adulthood and responsibility. I couldn’t go run off and join the Peace Corps; I had $20,000 in student loans to pay back. I couldn’t stay in Bosnia forever, much as I wanted to, because I had a job to find. And now I have a job, a career, an apartment in the suburbs where I live by myself and go to the grocery and pay bills. And there’s no sense of adventure, no sense of art or creativity or beauty. There’s no sense of purpose.

I’ve always wanted a life a little more glamorous than the one I have. I’ve always wanted to be just a little more than what I am.

Maybe this will be the year I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. My reaction to a certain present from a certain bff at least reassured me that, work woes notwithstanding, I am still absolutely in love with literature.

(And at the very least, I’m ready to make my return to Flickr: I’m going to Re-Six-Five this May 29, 2009 – May 29, 2010 year.)

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